I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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