Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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