He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
