where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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