first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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