In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
