he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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