Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
