At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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