There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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