oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize