Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
