I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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