Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
