Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
