Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
false alarm, still single
Randomize
