Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
