I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just tell him i said nine months
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
