Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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