I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize