I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
