when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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