You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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