I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
COCAINE IS GR8
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
