Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
