You're earring is so big in my mouth
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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