I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
