I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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