I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
