My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
