oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
