put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
