boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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