Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
