One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
