You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
