I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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