i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
