Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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