FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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