so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
