I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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