Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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