tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize