This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
