Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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