the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
