Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
