My room smells like vodka and shame
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize