His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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