Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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