I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
