Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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