I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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