good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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