Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
