I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
