i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
