WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize