i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
