my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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