Will you blow on my dice?
I can text with my tongue
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
