I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
