i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
