She went from zero to smokin in five shots
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize